


More Than You'll Ever Know

by foxanddanapetrie



Category: Spooks | MI-5
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Post-Season/Series 08, Secrets, i dont know how else to tag it, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:22:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 18,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27007303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxanddanapetrie/pseuds/foxanddanapetrie
Summary: After the death of Ros, Ruth comes across someone from her past that she never thought she'd see again.  After telling Harry the truth, she is faced with the fact that she has unintentionally put Emily in danger.  Will they be able to save her?TW- rape
Relationships: Ruth Evershed/Harry Pearce
Comments: 11
Kudos: 57





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! This fic is sort of my baby as I have never had a story idea come so easily before. The majority of this was written while I was at work one day. I haven't even finished it but it is already my longest so far! Please let me know what you think! I think I will be posting new chapters every week or so!  
> trigger warning- rape

They stood in shock on the grid. Everything seemed to freeze. Ros was in that building. Ruth looks down at her shoes blinking the tears back.  _ No, no, not another one of us.  _ She thought they would get easier, the losses. Maybe she thought by some strange trick of fate, she’d lose all feeling and the deaths of her closest, no only, friends wouldn’t feel like a stab through the heart each time. But she didn’t.  _ Why’d you have to be so bloody stubborn, Ros.  _

Harry stood outside the building unable to take his eyes off the falling rubble, that familiar wave of guilt coming over him again. Ruth thought of him and this new found weight he’d have to bear. Another colleague, companion, friend, lost.

As the days went by, the Grid remained silent. Ruth watched as people passed by her desk looking solemn. In her daze, she saw Harry walk up to her. 

“Ruth, I know this probably isn’t something you want to do right now but-“

“You need me to compile a list of all of the casualties of the bombing.”

He looked at her with admiration through the stagnant sadness that hadn’t left his eyes since the loss of Ros.

“Thank you.”

Even though the mourning silence across the grid remained, their work continued and before Ruth knew it, the day was over and she had yet to collect the names of the people who had died. It was beginning to look like she’d never get home at a reasonable hour again. She watched as everyone left, putting on their jackets, leaving through the pods, probably to go pour themselves a drink and watch the night out their windows.

Harry of course was the last to leave. “Ruth, why don’t you go home. I think we’ve all earned it.”

“You go ahead, I’ll meet you back at the house in a few hours. I need to get the names of the people in the bombing.” Ruth had been staying at Harry’s for the past few months. They had found themselves together again despite everything they’d been through. They both came to realize that they were nothing without the other. They needed each other to help carry their shared burdens that came with their job.

“That can wait. Come get some sleep.” He tried not to look at her with pity, but she was fragile these days ever since she came back from Cyprus. Understandably so.

“I’ll only be a little while.” She says looking up at him slightly smiling.

“What was that about a stubborn mule?”

“Cheeky.” She laughs. 

As much as he hated to leave her alone on the grid, he knew that sometimes that’s exactly what she needed to ease her mind. To get time alone with herself, to process everything.

Ruth sat, digging through the confidential hospital and police records to find just exactly how many people were injured and killed. This was a standard process in order for MI5 to keep track of any other enemies, terrorists, or British intelligence who were involved. Ruth generally found this process pretty mundane but this time it was different. In more ways than one.

Her eyes drifted down the hospital records until one name stopped her in her tracks.

“Emily Lawrence.” It read. She immediately sat up, eyes wide.

“No...no it can’t be.” She whispered to herself.

“Emily Lawrence - hospitalized for a broken leg and some deep shrapnel wounds.”

_ Oh god.  _ Ruth’s hand covered her mouth as she kept reading.

“Rachel and Noah Lawrence - parents of Emily Lawrence, killed on the scene.”

Ruth sat still in her seat unable to move. Eventually, she pushed her chair away from her desk, shut down her computer, grabbed her coat and walked silently out of the pods.

When she arrived at Harry’s house, she found him at the kitchen table, tea in his hands. She couldn’t help but smile to herself. Ever since she started staying with him, he had taken to drinking her sweet tea she kept in his cabinet instead of his usual whiskey. “Maybe you can teach an old dog new tricks.” She joked with him one day.

Saying nothing, she walked up behind him, put her hands on his shoulders and squeezed.

“I’m going to bed.”

“Ok.” He said, resting his hand on hers.

When he climbed into bed after her, she immediately curled up into him. She always did fit perfectly.

“How did the list go?” He asked.

After a while of no response, he continued. “Sorry, we don’t need to talk about it.” Assuming she was still upset about Ros.

“Harry,”

He wrapped his arm around her tighter. “What’s going through that brilliant head of yours hmm?”

“I didn’t get to finishing the list.”

“That’s ok. There’s no rush on it. It’s just procedure.”

“It’s not because of Ros. I- I came across something else.”

“What is it?” He whispered, trying to keep her calm.

“Harry I have to tell you something. And you have to really try to understand.”

“Ruth-“

“You’re going to wonder why it’s not in my file.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s easier than you think to do some finagling on the records, Harry. When I transferred to GCHQ, I was able to change my file. I know that’s a punishable offense and you can do whatever you want with me after you hear me out.”

“Ruth you don’t have to worry about that.”

She paused before starting again. Harry began to worry. “When I was going through the list of names of victims, I came across one I never thought I’d see again. Her name is Emily Lawrence. She’s in hospital.”

He didn’t say anything, knowing she would need time to continue.

“She’s mine. She’s...my daughter.”


	2. Chapter 2

Harry immediately shifted in his spot in the bed in shock. “What?”

Ruth sat up and turned to face him, her legs crossed.

“I never thought I’d have to tell anyone about this but here we are.” She said look down at the blankets, unable to make eye contact with Harry.”

“Tell me Ruth. You can tell me anything.”

“When I was twenty, at Oxford. I, um, another student, he followed me back to my place after one of my night classes. And I’m sure you can guess what happened next.”

“He raped you?” The looks she gave him, through brimming tears told him everything he needed to know. “And I got pregnant. And I knew that I didn’t want to be a mother at 20. I know I wouldn’t be able to give her the life she deserved. So after she was born, I gave her up for adoption. To the Lawrence’s.” 

Harry had since sat up in bed and now moved closer to her so that he could hold her.. 

“I thought that that was the last I would hear from them. I figured I did what was best, that she would have a good life. Obviously I failed at that too. Her parents were killed in the bomb, Harry.” 

Harry admired Ruth’s strength in this conversation. Though there were tears streaming from her face, she remained stoic. 

“You don’t have to hold your emotions back, Ruth. If you need to cry, scream, anything, let it out.” He said as he pushed the tear soaked hair from her cheek.

“Why did you erase this from your file?”

“Because it says a lot about me that isn’t true. I wasn’t irresponsible Harry. I wasn’t the girl to get pregnant and ruin her schooling. I was always on the straight and narrow and school and my career were, are, everything to me. What would that have said about me when I got seconded to the Grid at 28 with an eight year old daughter who was given up for adoption. You’d have never treated me the same.”

“You don’t know that, Ruth.”

“It’s true Harry and you know it. We analyze everyone. You would have done the same for me.”

“Well, it would have been different for you considering I fell in love with you on your first day.”

Ruth couldn’t help but give him a small smile.

“I need to see her, Harry. She’s all alone.”

“How are you going to do that.”

“I don’t know, we’re spooks, can’t we think of something?”

“Ruth, do you really think that is wise? To get involved?”

“She's my daughter, Harry.” Harry took a moment to consider what he would do if he were in this situation. He would still do anything for his kids despite their complicated relationships. He couldn’t imagine how amplified this situation was for Ruth.

He wrapped his arms around her as she leaned into him. He knew he wouldn’t be able to stop her. “Be careful, Ruth.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys are enjoying so far! Please review if you feel like it!


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning they both found themselves on the grid as usual, this time with even more of a heavy burden on the both of them- Ruth worrying about Emily, Harry worrying about Ruth, and both of them worrying about how everyone else was coping.

“Ruth?...Ruth?” Tariq said, trying to get her attention.

“Hm? Sorry, Tariq. What’s up?”

“Are you ok?” 

“Yeah, fine. What do you need?”

“I was just wondering if you had any more information about the Chinese.”

“Oh yes, I’ll put it on your desk in a few minutes.”

“Thanks.” He said as he turned on his heels to meet Malcolm walking past. Malcolm shot him a questioning look as he had also noticed Ruth was acting strange. “Says she’s fine. Maybe she’s thinking about Ros.” Tariq whispered. 

_ She’s up to something.  _ Malcolm thought.

Amidst the usual bustling on the Grid, Ruth managed to slip away early, hoping Harry wouldn’t notice, and headed to the hospital. 

“Malcolm, can you come here a moment?” Harry said.

Malcolm entered Harry’s office and closed the door, assuming he knew what this was about. “Yes, Harry?”

“Where’s Ruth?”

“I don’t know, Tariq talked to her earlier and said she seemed off. I’m guessing she’s up to something.”

“Did you see her leave?”

“No, sir.”

“Ok, thank you Malcolm.”

When he was alone again in his office, he tried Ruth’s mobile but was met with her voicemail. 

Ruth arrived at the hospital and talked to the nurse at the reception desk. “Emily Lawrence, please.”

“And you are?” The nurse said not looking up from her computer.

“I’m her social worker, Nadine.”

“Room 203.”

“Thank you.”

Ruth approached the room slowly and looked through the window at the 16 year old, thin, brunette whose head was buried in a book.  _ She’s a reader.  _ Ruth thought as she smiled to herself. 

She stood there admiring the girl for a few minutes, gathering the courage, and debating with herself whether or not she should go in.

Slowly, she gained enough courage to knock on the door.

“Yes?” Emily said politely.

Ruth swiped the tears that had begun to fall as she heard her daughter's voice, then opened the door.

“Emily? My name is Nadine, I’m the social worker in charge of your case. I’m so terribly sorry for your loss.”

The girl looked up at her with the same eyes Ruth saw in the mirror every day. They seemed to pierce right through her. 

Her leg was in a cast and there were a few small bandages on her forehead and arms.

“Thank you.” The girl said meekly. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too.” Ruth replied.  _ More than you’ll ever know.  _

Harry tried Ruth’s mobile a few more times but didn’t expect her to answer. He knew exactly where she was. As her boss he wanted to march right down to the hospital to make sure she wasn’t getting into trouble but as the person whose bed he’s shared with her every night, he wanted to give her her space. Not to mention the fact that about 20 other things were happening simultaneously on the grid that he needed to attend to.

“May I sit down?” Ruth asked softly.

“Of course.” Emily replied as she closed her book and shifted in her bed so that she was sitting more upright. 

“What are you reading?” 

“Vilette, by Charlotte Bronte.”

“A classic,” Ruth smiled. “One of my favorites.” There was a moment’s pause between them as their matching anxious tendencies both started to kick in. “Emily, I know this is an unimaginably difficult time for you. I’m just here to introduce myself and let you know that I am here if you need anything. I can give you my mobile if you’d like. And then we will be in touch soon about how we’re going to help you.”

Emily took the piece of paper that Ruth had scribbled her mobile number on in her nervous handwriting, neither of them really knowing what to say next. 

“Well, I’ll leave you to rest. Let me know if you need anything.” Ruth says standing up.

“Thank you.” Emily replies looking up at her with tired eyes. 

As Ruth left, she grabbed her bag sloppily and nervously, trying to keep calm. Emily noticed something slip from her bag. She shuffled in her beg, arranged her leg so that she could bend down and grab the item without putting too much pressure on her leg. She picked up a book and turned it over to reveal the cover.  _ Plutarch’s Lives of the Noble Greeks and Romans  _ it read. She made her way back to her bed and opened the front cover and noticed it was a library book. In the librarian’s handwriting were the names of the previous loaners and at the bottom, R. Evershed. 

_ Now that’s a name I’d never forget. _

Harry found himself coming home before Ruth which concerned him. He took one more shot at trying her mobile. This time she answered.

“Evershed.”

“Ruth.”

“Harry.” She said wearily. 

“Where are you?”

“I’m out for a walk. Be home soon.”

“Ok. Be safe.”

“I will, Harry.”

When Ruth walked through the door, Harry was on the sofa with Scarlet and Fidget next to him. A sight she usually loved to see but this time she knew it meant it was time for her to explain.

“Hello.” She said as she walked over to him, sitting on the sofa slowly, causing Scarlet to jump down and Fidget to curl up next to her.

“Ruth, are you alright? What happened?”

“I went to see her.”

“I figured as much when I noticed you left the grid early.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. How is she?” He said taking her hands in his so he could make her feel more grounded. 

“She's everything, Harry.” She said looking up at the ceiling feeling the tears begin to pool again, this time determined not to let them fall.

“How did it go?”

“I was a bloody awful mess. I was awkward as usual...of course.” She began to ramble in the way he loved so much. “Don’t know what use I am if I can’t even speak to my own dau-” she began but stopped herself.  _ She’s not your daughter, Ruth  _ she reminded herself. She looked down at the sofa for a moment, then started again. “She looks like me. She has my eyes. It was shocking...seeing that.”

“She must be beautiful if she’s anything like you.” He said, brushing her stray hair behind her ear and caressing her cheek. “By the way, how did you get in to see her? A legend I presume?”

“Well a pretty poorly made one if you ask me. I didn’t have it in me to put very much thought into it. I told her I was her social worker.” She rolls her eyes at herself as Harry stifles a grin.

“Oh, Ruth.” He says endearingly. 

“Don’t say anything about it, Harry.”

He nods in compliance.

“We didn’t really say much to each other. I didn’t want to overwhelm her after what’s just happened. She’s still in mourning...it’s not my place. I just wanted to see her. It feels silly now.” When she finished, Fidget jumped off the sofa as if he had been there just to listen to her story.

“How are you feeling now?” Harry asks.

“Nauseous.”

“Let’s get you some tea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has already started reading and who left Kudos! It means a lot! Hope you enjoy this new chapter and more soon! <3


	4. Chapter 4

When Harry awoke the next morning, he rolled over to find the other side of the bed empty. He got up, threw on a crumpled t-shirt from the dresser and padded down the stairs.

He found Ruth on the sofa with her legs underneath her, a cup of tea warming her hands. The TV was on but her mind was elsewhere. He took a moment to admire how her long skirt framed her legs and how peaceful she looked sitting there.

“Morning.” He said from behind her.

Ruth startled a bit and turned around. “Morning.” she smiled. “Couldn’t sleep.”

“I’m sorry. I figured your mind would be going all night. I wish I didn’t have to go in today so that I could stay here with you. What are your plans for today?”

“I’m not sure yet. I can’t remember the last time I had a day off where I wasn’t getting red flashed or dealing with some disaster remotely.” She smiled.

“Well take it easy today…” He paused. “ Are you going to do any more research on Emily?” He was reluctant to ask, not wanting to upset her.

“I’m not sure...I’d love to go see her again but I’m not really sure my excuse is very convincing.” She said meekly.

“Ok.” He said knowing not to contradict her. He knew he needed to let her figure this out in any way she needed to. “Be careful, hm? Call me on the grid if you need anything?”

“Ok I will.” She said as she unfolded her legs from under her and stood up to face. She moulded herself to him, nestling her head under his chin as he wrapped his arms around her.

“I’ll try not to be too late tonight.”

“Tell that to the terrorists.” She laughed. “I’ll see you whenever you get back. Don’t worry about me.” He sensed there was more uneasiness to her manner than she was letting him see but he kissed her and reluctantly left for the grid knowing she’d not be staying at home for long.

Ruth didn’t wait long after Harry left to get ready to leave the house. Since she started staying with him, she had most of the stuff she needed tucked away in his drawers, his bathroom, his kitchen cabinets, slowly making the place her home too. She fed Fidget and Scarlett, patted them on the head, and left, donned in her classic black skirt and a shoulder bag in tow. She didn’t really think much about going to the hospital, really. Emily would be released soon and she was still unaware of where she would be sent, though she knew she could find out with a quick search on the grid. She’s an analyst after all. She let her anxieties fall away and let the excitement of seeing her daughter fill her.  _ I’ll figure everything out later,  _ she thought.

The same nurse she saw before was at the reception desk as Ruth walked in. Again, the nurse directed her where to go, chewing bubble gum and not looking up from her station.

Ruth waited outside Emily’s room again, not knowing what to say this time. Time passed quickly and before she knew it, the same nurse walked by. 

“You going in or are you just going to stand there?” The nurse's voice seemed to catch Emily’s attention as she turned to look at Ruth. She smiled and gestured for her to come in. Embarrassed, Ruth looked down at her feet trying to hide her smile, then continued into the room. 

“Ruth.” Emily smiled.

Ruth looked up, shock coming over her face, feeling her entire body flush.

“What-”

“Your name is Ruth isn’t it?”

“How do you-”

“Plutarch.”

“My book? I left it here? I was wondering what happened to it.”  _ At this rate, she’d make a better spook than me. _ You...you know who I am?”

“Yes of course I do. My parents didn’t keep your name a secret from me and Evershed isn’t a very common name I don’t think. You know, Alexander the Great doesn’t sound all that great.”

Ruth laughed, still looking at her feet. “I- I don’t know what to say.”

“About me? Or about Plutarch? It’s ok. It’s nice to actually meet you.” Emily said shyly. Compassion for the awkward situation glowing in her eyes.

“You have no idea how amazing it is to meet you. I- I think about you every day.” 

“So that day you came to visit me. You heard about what happened to my parents?”

“Yes, and Emily, I am so incredibly sorry. I don’t want you to think I’m coming here to jump in and replace them. I just needed to know that you were going to be ok.”

“I know. I just don’t really know what’s going to happen to me. I’m still a minor.”

“Yes, I’ve been worrying about that too. You see, I wanted to tell you- to ask-” Ruth paused to gather her thoughts. “I’m sure we could arrange something if you wanted- that is, if you felt like you’d want to come stay with me. I mean I’m at my job most of the time, I have a cat, and a Harry- I mean...But of course if you don’t want to, it’s completely your own choice. I just couldn’t let myself leave here without letting you know that my doors are always open.”

“I’d like that. I mean I’m not really sure what other options I have. And you seem as nervous as I am about this. Maybe we’d make a good team. At least until I can figure something out. I mean, if you don’t want me staying for long.”

“You’re welcome to stay as long as you like, truly. You have my number, call if you need anything.” Ruth put her hand over Emily’s and squeezed, giving them both a sense of comfort.

That night Harry laid back with his hands behind his head, mind drifting to what sort of day Ruth had. He waited for her to be done in the bathroom and watched her walk lightly to her side of the bed. She curled up next to him in one of his shirts and a pair of loose shorts, entwined her legs in his to keep her warm, and rested her head on his chest. They waited in silence for a while, Harry not knowing if he should ask or just let her talk in her own time. Eventually, she shifted a looked up at him.

“She knows who I am.” Ruth said wearily. 

“What? How?”

“Harry some days I honestly don’t know how I ever became a spook. When I left that first day, I dropped my book in her room.” She paused for a beat. “It was a library book. My name was in it.”

“And she knows that Ruth Evershed is-“

“Yep. I suppose they never really kept my name from her. And I never really minded either way. I never expected anything like this to happen.” Harry had begun tracing circles on her back. “The thing is, I said something, I didn’t really think about what would happen. But...I told her she could come and stay with me. And I know that might not be the best idea but I just don’t know what else I could do.”

“Ruth, I would have done the same thing.”

“You would? I’m so sorry Harry, I didn’t even consider, you know, us. I can start staying at my place again...so she’ll be more comfortable there and we won’t be intruding. It’s just that she’s sixteen...I couldn’t let her end up somewhere horrible especially when she’s so close to being an adult…”

“Ruth, listen to me. Remember that day you left? When you told me not to tell you how much I love you, how I would have given anything to have been able to protect you from all of this. I spent every day after that regretting not telling you. And I mean that still, today. I love you, Ruth, and that means all of you. Emily is welcome here just as much as you and Fidget are. I wake up every morning thinking about how lucky I am. I don’t deserve to have you, not after the things I’ve done. I’m in this with you.”

Ruth nestled her head in his neck and whispered a quiet thank you, Harry sensing that she was crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't keep my excitement under control and am posting the next chapter sooner than I thought. Hope you guys are enjoying! Leave a review if you like!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s a short chapter update. I had completely written something else but then the time line was bothering me so I scrapped it. Here we go! More to come soon!

The days we’re getting closer to when Emily was going to be released from hospital and Ruth had a hard time focusing at work. She felt as though work had consumed her both physically and emotionally. Especially since in the past weeks she had begun to suspect that Lucas was up to no good. 

She woke up early on the day she would collect Emily. If Harry had to describe it, he would have called it nesting but he wouldn’t dare say that to her face. Every time he came home, he would find her or gazing and cleaning things that she had already fussed with. The longer she stayed with him, the more the house looked like a home. She decorated, lit incense, brought her piles of books and shelved them in between his. She had cleared out some of the things in the spare room and put whatever she thought Emily might need- blankets, pillows, towels. 

“I feel like this is a hotel Harry not a home. I don’t even know what she likes, what she’ll need.”

“Ruth, don’t worry. We’ll ask her when she gets here.”

“I’m scared.”

“I know.” He said wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her closer.

“I’m not trying to replace her parents. I don’t want her to think that. I just feel like this is the least I can do.”

“You’ll be able to express that to her when she gets here. Make sure she knows your intentions and that she’s comfortable. That’s all we can do.”

“I think you should know by now that I’m not the best at expressing what I’m thinking.”

“I’m keeping my mouth shut on that one.”

She smirked and released herself from his embrace, realizing the time. “We’ve got to go.”

At the grid, Ruth

With the help of Harry they had managed to swing some aliases and paperwork in order for Ruth to be able to take her home. Ruth left early that day, sneaking off the grid as quietly as she could so as not to make any of the other members of the team suspicious. Lucas however, had been paying attention. 

When Ruth arrived at the hospital, she felt butterflies in her stomach, she gathered the contents of her purse that had fallen out on the passenger’s seat when her nervous hands had slipped, tucked her phone in her coat pocket and opened the car door. 

She walked through the doors, nervous, and was brought back to years ago when she found herself traipsing through the hallways of a hospital and lying to a nurse. She thought about the time she caught herself off guard as to how bold she was, offering the nurse a few quid and telling her that she was pregnant with Harry’s child. She laughed to herself.  _ I’ll never know where you got that bravery Ruth Evershed  _ she thought to herself.  _ Lets see if you can find it again. _

She found herself approaching Emily’s room slowly, tiptoeing as the nurses rushed past her. She looked through the window and saw Emily standing by the bed, gathering her things together. Ruth knocked lightly on the glass. Emily looked up and smiled.

“Hi, Ruth.” She said, her blue eyes almost taking Ruth’s breath away.”

“Hi there. All set to go?” Ruth said nervously, looking down and putting her hands in her coat pockets. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine, actually. My foot doesn’t hurt as bad as before. They say I just need to wear this boot for the next few days.”

“Good!” Ruth smiled. “Can I help you carry anything?”

Emily was reluctant, determined not to take up much space in Ruth’s life. She wasn’t sure, after all, where she fit in. She felt like she barely knew this woman but at the same time she felt immediately connected. 

“I think I got -“. Before she could finish, Ruth grabbed one of the bags, trying to hide her surprise as to how heavy it was. She took a quick look inside and suppressed a laugh.  _ Books.  _

“We arranged for some of your things to be brought over. Just let me know if you need anything else. What’s mine is yours.”

“Thank you.” Emily said, shyly.

The ride home was a hit quiet but Ruth had prepared herself for that. When they got home, to Harry’s house that is, she helped her up the stairs and offered her some tea.

They sat around the kitchen table quietly for a while but it didn’t take long for Emily to sell at home which surprised Ruth. 

“So, Harry.” Emily smiled wryly. It wasn’t a question, more of a statement encouraging Ruth to tell her about him.

Ruth laughed into her mug of tea. “Harry.”

“Husband?”

_ What have I gotten myself into.  _ Ruth laughed to herself.

“No- no. Not husband.”

“Boyfriend?”

_ Oh how much you have to learn. _

“Well, I guess you could say that.”

“Well you live together so it must be pretty serious.”

“I guess you could say that. Over the years Harry and I have sort of just fallen together. There’s a lot that’s happened between us. But I think we’re fairly happy now.”

“Did he know about me?”

_ Like analyst mother, like questioning daughter. _

“Well, no. Not many people did actually.” There was a pause then Ruth continued. “But that’s not to say I was ashamed of you. I’ve thought about you every day for 16 years. I just didn’t think I’d see you again. The thing about Harry and I is that we have a lot of secrets in our job. Sometimes the less people know the better.”  _ Muffed that one, Ruth. _

“Hmm I see. So what is it you two do?” 

“Well, Harry and I can go into more detail about it together but…We work for MI5 - counterterrorism.”

“Woah.” Emily whispered under her breath and Ruth had a hard time reading the emotions on her face. “Spies. Wow.”

“I know this is a lot to take in-“

“No- I mean it is- but wow.”

“Why don’t we get you settled. We can talk more about it later if you like.” Ruth said, standing. She showed Emily to the spare room and helped her with a few bags.

“I’ll leave you to it. Let me know if you need anything. I mean it, it’s the least I can do.”

Emily looked around the room and to Ruth she seemed a little unsure of everything but she expected it. 

“Thank you.”


	6. Chapter 6

When Harry got home, Ruth was asleep on the couch. He sat down next to her, tucked her hair behind her ear, brushing her cheek slightly and moving the book off her chest. She stirred and opened her eyes. 

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“How’d it go?”

Ruth covered her face with her hands and rubbed her eyes.

“I don’t know Harry, how does it go when you bring home your long lost daughter after he parents died when she’s 16 and has no idea who you are?”

“Not good then?”

“No, it went surprisingly well actually, that’s what seems so weird. Although I can’t say a coherent sentence to her no matter how hard I try.”

“Ruth, what you did today was amazing. I’m sure you were fine.”

“I just expected her to be mad at me or something. Be angry about her parents. But she’s just quiet.”

“Reminds me of someone else I know.” Ruth smacked his shoulder. “She’s probably quiet because she’s just as shell shocked as you.”

“Yeah I think you’re right...she asked about you.” Harry raised his eyebrows. “Asked if we were married...I told her about MI5.”

“She’s a clever one.” Ruth smiled at that.  _ Yes, she is.  _ “She'll have to sign the secrets act.”

“I know. I told her we would talk more about it together.”

“Is she asleep?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Why don’t we do the same?” Harry asked, standing up and holding out hand. Ruth followed quietly, tiredly, up the stairs and to their room. 

Ruth rolled over and looked at the clock. 3:36. She slowly got out of bed trying not to disturb Harry, wrapping her robe right around her. She tiptoed to the spare room and peaked in, finding the nightstand light on and a book in Emily’s hand. 

“Hey there.” She whispered. 

Emily looked up with sleepy eyes and gave her best attempt at a smile.

“You should be getting some sleep.”

“Can’t.” 

“May I come in?”

Emily nodded and Ruth made her way to the edge of the bed and sat. She slipped the book out of her hands and looked at her.”

“Do you want to talk?” She asked noticing a few tears brimming at the corner of Emily’s eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

Ruth let out an empathetic “oh” as she reached out to brush away the stray tears on her face. “Listen, you never have to apologize to me, okay? If you need to cry, you let it out.”

“I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since…I keep having nightmares. I keep seeing my parents. I just don’t know what to do.” Emily looked away, out the window as she curled her legs up to her chest.

“I’d be worried if you were getting a perfect night’s sleep. What you’ve been through is unimaginable. And I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that I don’t have more to offer you. I wish I could do more to fix it. To go back in time.”

“No, you’ve been amazing. I just don’t want you to feel like you have to take me in.”

“I want to. I promise.”

“Counterterrorism.” She said looking back at Ruth.

Ruth tilted her head to the side and gave her a questioning look. “Is that how you found out about me?”

“Yes.” She responded reluctantly. Scared where this conversation might go. “We had our agents in the building trying to stop it. We tried… I’m so sorry.”

“I’m not blaming you. It just occurred to me. I was wondering how you knew where to find me.”

“I’m so sorry, Emily. For everything.”

“Don’t be. Someday we can talk about everything. You should go back to bed.”

“Aren’t I the one who is supposed to be telling you that?”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Do you need anything? Tea?”

“No, thank you. I think I’ll be able to sleep soon.”

Ruth smiled, and walked back to Harry’s room.

Ruth didn’t sleep for the rest of the night. At around 5:00 she checked on Emily again, this time finding her asleep. She took the extra blanket and pillow from the closet and laid them on the floor next to Emily’s bed. Eventually, she fell asleep listening to the steady breathing of her daughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh I’m in the thick of it and have too many ideas but no motivation to write. There will be more soon though! Thank you so much to who has read, liked and commented ❤️❤️


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys as my brain is constantly frazzled, I’m trying not to make my fic seem the same way so hopefully this isn’t confusing on the canon timeline. I originally wanted to make it completely canon divergent but decided to include the Lucas/Albany story a bit too to help me along. Enjoy!

When Emily awoke, she rolled over to find Ruth, this kind, slightly strange and awkward woman who had simultaneously left her life and came back into it in an instant. She was sleeping peacefully, if not curled up in a little ball, presumably to help the blankets create some form of a bed. Emily stared at her for a minute, grasping at what features she could make out in Ruth’s face that reminded her of her own- the same color hair- and eyes she’d notice. And sometimes the twitch in Ruth’s smile that happens when she’s nervous that reminded Emily of herself- same cheekbones too. Eventually as if telepathically, Ruth stirred and looked up and seemingly for the first real time, their matching eyes caught hold of each other, emotions flooding both pairs.

Ruth propped herself up nervously. “Sorry, I uh-”

“Couldn’t sleep either?”

“I just wanted to make sure you were ok, in case you woke up, needed anything.”

Emily paused not knowing what to say but eventually she settled with a quiet thank you. “Sorry about last night. I didn’t mean to keep you up.”

“Don’t apologize. I don’t mind- really.” Ruth said standing up and gathering her nest of blankets. “I’m really sorry if I woke you.”

“You didn’t.”

Ruth smiled a bit at that. “I’ll make breakfast soon. What do you like?”

“Anything.” Emily grinned.

Ruth made her way into Harry’s room and found him getting dressed. She walked over to him in front of the mirror and wrapped her arms around his middle, resting her cheek on her back.

“Long night?” he asked as he pulled her arms closer.

“Couldn’t sleep.”

“You or Emily?”

“Neither of us. I was worried about her. She said she was having nightmares. She was up really late so I eventually went to sleep on her floor. In case she needed me.”

“Is she ok now?”

“She seems it.” Harry turned to face Ruth and took her into his arms. 

“She’s clever. Asked about us- out work. I panicked.”

“I suppose she’ll learn the truth eventually, especially if she’s got a mind like her mother’s.”

“I don’t really think I’m fit to be called her mother Harry.” Ruth said sinking into him, enjoying his warmth.

“I’m sorry- you know what I meant.”

“I know. I don’t mind. I just don’t know what I am right now.” He held her for a little while until she loosened his grip on her and left him to finish dressing. “I’ll go make breakfast.”

When Harry came down, Emily was at the kitchen table eating eggs. He stopped in the doorway as her features stuck him. That was Ruth’s daughter, no doubt about it. He felt his heart give way as he thought about what Ruth had been through. This whole other side of her life that he had never known about, another reason why she holds her secrets so close to her. Another reason why he swears he sees sadness behind her bright and beautiful eyes, that he now knows her daughter shares. Another reason why he wishes he could swoop her out of MI5 and place her gently in a safer place. One where she gets to keep her family this time, one where she gets to keep her friends, a world where they don’t go to more funerals than weddings. 

He grabbed a plate of eggs awkwardly, not knowing what to say. He sat down next to Ruth, glancing sideways at her as she smiled and slightly nodded towards Emily, silently telling Harry that he can say something, she won’t bite.

“Emily.” He says in his professional grid voice. “I’m Harry. It’s nice to meet you.”

Ruth hid her laugh with her napkin as she admired Harry’s attempt.

“Nice to meet you too. I’m Emily. But I suppose you know that.”

“Yes.” he smiled. “I just want you to know that you’re extremely welcome here. Make yourself at home and let us know if you need anything- really. We’re happy to have you.”

This formal yet endearing introduction struck a chord on Ruth’s heart. She felt as though this was much more than a welcoming. It was a gesture that let her know that not only was Ruth welcome in Harry’s house, but so was her life, her baggage, everything that came with who she was, is, and will be. He wanted all of her, after everything they’ve been through.  _ Stubborn mule, Harry, you really don’t let go that easy do you.  _ She thought as she smiled gratefully.

Over the days, things at “home” became easier; Emily was getting into a routine and Ruth had noticed she had been going to bed at more reasonable times although she had already gone through the books she had brought over and had now made her way to Ruth’s collection. Harry felt more relaxed around her; Ruth noticed that he no longer tiptoed around him, he had more conversations with Emily. Invited them all to watch late night television as they stayed up way too late after he finally got home from the grid. Ruth was glad it was summer and that they didn’t have to worry about Emily’s schooling right away. It gave them the chance to get to know each other. 

  
  


Lucas knew that if there was anyone who could find him out, it’d be Ruth.  _ Too damn clever, that one.  _ He had only just gotten the sense that she was on to him. He needed to act fast and find some sort of leverage against her and Harry in order to distract them and get Albany. When he knew that no one was looking, he searched Ruth’s desk for any piece of evidence that he could use against her. Mostly, he found stacks of paper, library books, and a bag of chocolates in the bottom drawer. He flipped through the mundane pages and found nothing incriminating until he came across two pictures in the bottom of her drawer. One, of her step son Nico whom Lucas found out about when George died, and a photo that Ruth had taken of herself and a young girl, someone Lucas didn’t recognize.

He slipped it in his pocket before and managed to throw together the rest of the work he needed to finish, and left shortly at the same time as Tariq. 

Lucas had already managed to grab a hold of Ruth’s personnel file, trying to find something about her life that he could use. Ruth was incredibly private, never talked about herself. All spooks were quiet but sometimes being a spook involved trusting other people on the grid with personal information. Something that if they needed to use on an op, it’d be there. Or perhaps spooks saw it was the longing to have at least one person who knew the truth about you, even if it was only pieces at a time. But what he found with Ruth’s file was that she really didn’t have any connections. No listed friends, no family that would seem to notice much if anything strange happened to her. There must be someone who Ruth confided, and Lucas could only assume it was Harry.

  
  
  


As much as she didn’t want to, Ruth broached the subject with Harry about Lucas again.

Harry had told her that he believed she hadn’t fully forgiven him for George and Nico. That with everything going on between the loss of her family and her new found daughter, she had been overworked, over stressed, and Harry believed she still blamed him for the upheaval of her life.  _ How little you know me.  _ She thought. 

Keith Deary had said to her, “I miss my wife, that doesn’t make me wrong about this.”  _ I miss my family, Harry. I miss that peaceful life. I missed my daughter. But that doesn’t make me wrong about Lucas.  _ She wanted to scream from the rooftops. 

She had begun to think maybe this wouldn’t be a good idea, them living together as a family. She realized that Harry had the best intentions, every desire to do anything to make her happy, to keep her safe, to keep her daughter safe but he didn’t know the half of her. She thought the bombshell of Emily would have been enough to make him realize that she probably wasn’t the woman he thought she was.  _ How naive you are. _

Something was up with Lucas, she knew it. She would have to do some more digging into it herself. 

  
  


No one had officially been made aware of it, but Lucas had noticed that the route Ruth took home at the end of the day had changed recently. He assumed she was going to Harry’s house.  _ Clever woman  _ he thought. Ruth usually made it home before Harry, leaving with the rest of the grid to let their boss take the rest of the weight on his shoulders. 

So, one regular day, she walked out of Harry’s office, swung her coat around her shoulders, and headed in her usual direction and Lucas decided to follow. Harry’s house- as he expected. He watched as Ruth unlocked the door with her key. When she was inside, he made his way to the side of the house and tucked himself under the windows.

He saw Ruth take off her coat, hang it in the hallway, and walk towards the stairs. She stood at the bottom, looking up. He could have sworn that he saw her mouth words.

Soon, she moved towards the kitchen where she was slightly out of sight. Before he could move to the other window, he saw a young girl coming down the stairs. She was lanky, with brown hair, maybe 15/16? The same girl who was in the photo with Ruth.Who was she? Harry’s daughter was a lot older than this girl.  _ A family friend maybe? Of Ruth’s or Harry’s?  _ But the way it looked to Lucas, Ruth didn’t have many family members. Or friends for that matter. No mention in her file about a teenager - no nieces, nephews, cousins. He needed to find out who this girl was. She looked young, vulnerable, possibly easy to manipulate. A possible hostage- Albany depended on it.

  
  



	8. Chapter 8

Lucas made his way back home for the night, his mind running through all of the possible avenues of manipulation he could take. If he needed to strike, it needed to be perfect. He would wait until Harry and Ruth were at their most vulnerable. They meant the world to each other; he assumed they would be willing to risk their lives for each other and this girl could be an added bonus. 

Meanwhile, Ruth and Emily settled in for the night, the air around them still filled with anxiety and awkwardness, each woman not sure what to say to the other. Ruth sat down at the table across from Emily, eyeing the girl, trying to use her analyst skills to guess what she was thinking.

“How was your day?” Ruth asked.

“Fine. I didn’t do much. Just read a bit, watched some telly.”

“That’s good, sounds relaxing. Have you found there is anything you need?”

“Not that I can think of now, thank you though.”

“Will you let me know?”

“I will.” Emily looked up and smiled and Ruth sensed a bit of sympathy in her eyes. Ruth tilted her head, a bit caught off guard. “Actually…” Emily began but stopped short.

“What is it?”

“Tell me about yourself, about your past, about Harry, about my real dad, anything.” Emily’s words came out fast and jumbled as if these questions had been bottled up forever, finally breaking loose. She looked embarrassed as soon as she stopped. Sensing this familiar embarrassment, Ruth reached out and grabbed her hand in hers. She lifted it up, propped her elbows on the table and lifted Emily’s hand. Squeezing it, she lifted it up to her mouth and placed a kiss at her knuckles attempting to calm her nervous daughter.

“You know you never have to be afraid of asking me anything, right? I suppose I do owe you a lot of answers. What do you want to know first?”

“The beginning, I guess… if you don’t mind.”

This was the question that Ruth dreaded the most, the one she knew she’d have to answer but better to get it over with now, she supposed. She looked up and connected with Emily’s eager eyes.

“Well, it might not be very easy to hear but that doesn’t change how grateful I am that you’re in my life now.” Emily nodded. “When I was in school, in Oxford, I was walking back home one day when…” Ruth paused, not sure exactly how to explain it properly, delicately. “It was at night and someone attacked me…” She paused again, hoping that Emily would understand and she wouldn’t need to go any further. Thankfully, Emily seemed to take the hint.

“He raped you?”

Ruth nodded. “And that’s when I got pregnant with you.”

Emily pushed her empty mug forward and looked down not sure what to say.

Ruth reached out and lifted her chin so that she could look at her. “At the time, I thought it was the worst thing that could happen to me. I was upset, angry, hurt, traumatized. I didn’t want to be pregnant. I didn’t want a child at 20 when I was just starting my life, my career. I couldn’t ever picture myself as mum, it seemed like something I would have never been suited for.” At this, she noticed a few tears starting to fall from her daughter’s eyes. “But…that doesn’t mean that looking you in the eyes right now, seeing the most smart and beautiful girl I’ve ever laid eyes on, isn’t one of the best things to happen to me now...I know it took a long time, and I know I left you but I did what would have been better for both of us. Look at you. You’ve had amazing parents who raised you and I will be forever grateful for them because they did something that I have to admit, I wouldn’t have been capable of.” Ruth reached up and wiped the tears off of Emily’s cheeks.

A soft voice filled the silence left over from Ruth’s speech. “I don’t blame you, Ruth.” And with this simple sentence, all of the weight that had been making Ruth’s chest feel like it was caving in had lifted.

“I mean, if I was able to choose a better way to come into the world, I would.” She said with a slight grin. “But I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone be so brave as you.”

Ruth had to look away trying to hide her tears. Something in her healed at that very moment. A wound so large and so old that she hardly remembered it was there. 

Emily got up from the table and refilled their mugs. She placed Ruth’s in front of her and then leaned against the counter, holding hers close to warm her hands. To Ruth, she looked much older than she was standing there, as if this conversation had aged her a bit, but perhaps that was just Ruth’s mind playing tricks on her.

“So…” Emily said, bringing Ruth out of her thoughts. “Tell me about you and Harry. The proper story this time.”

Facing away from her, Ruth lifted her mug to her lips and smiled, suppressing a chuckle.

“That’s another story altogether.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't sure if I should end this chapter here as an update or keep going but I haven't updated in a while so here it is! More to come and thank you to everyone who left kudos! Reviews are appreciated <3


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another little update! This chapter is rated M! Enjoy!

That night Ruth had cleaned up the kitchen and followed Harry to bed. Not much had been said over the dinner table. Harry had come in late looking a bit disgruntled from the day. He and Emily had yet to find common ground on topics to talk about so Ruth found herself posing as the mediator, initiating conversation. She walked past Emily’s room and peaked in making sure she had everything she needed. She stood there for a bit watching her peacefully and then followed the hallway to Harry’s room that she now called her own. As she undressed she thought about how much her life had changed over the years. Little GCHQ Ruth would have never known what was coming. She curled into bed next to Harry and molded herself to him. When he sensed her he wrapped his arms around her tighter and felt her breathing. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“For what?” She said muffled into his chest.

“For not believing you about Lucas. I’d trust you with my life, Ruth, but there are protocols, ways that things need to happen. I would love it if I could act as the Harry Pearce you spend every night with all the time but-“

“I know.” She said stoically. “I get it. But your reasoning that I’ve been acting this way because of George and Nico and Emily...it’s wrong. It was wrong of you to think my judgement would be clouded in any regards.”

“I know. I shouldn’t have said that, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all of it…” he said drifting off hoping that she would pick up on his implication that he’s sorry for the last several years. That he wishes she’d never been exposed to any of it.

She raised her head and kissed him, slowly and purposefully. “Let’s change the subject.” She smiled.

He let go of her and rolled her over so she was on her back. As he hovered over her, he opened her silk robe to reveal nothing underneath, the sides of it falling gently on the sides of each breast. He leant down and kissed her sternum and continued down taking each nipple into his mouth and spending an equal amount of time and attention on each until he felt her hips begin to rise towards him. He slid one hand in between her warm skin and the cool silk and held on to her hip. With the other, he grasped her hand entwining their fingers together above her head. He gently lifted her hip towards him as he began to press his growing hardness against her thigh. At this, she let out a low moan encouraging him to go further. He continued kissing down her chest, her stomach, and above her center and eventually, gently poised his fingers at her opening, feeling how wet she was becoming already. 

“I need you.” She whispered.

“I need you too.” He said grinning slightly and with that she chuckled.

He began with steady rhythmic fingers inside of her and each time he hit her g spot she squirmed a bit more, clasping her legs tighter around his arm. He then lowered himself and continued with his kisses until his lips met the hood of her clit.

It wasn’t long until she felt the euphoric feeling of her release and began to let out a moan that Harry loved to hear. He reached up and covered her mouth as she came down and looked up smiling.

“Got to be quiet now.” He said laughing.

Ruth covered her face with her hand slightly embarrassed. “Oh no, you’re right.” She giggled.

It wasn't long before they found themselves splayed across the bed with the sheets entangled between them.

Ruth rested her head on Harry’s chest and let his heartbeat soothe her worries. “She asked about you.”

“What do you mean?” He asked, tilting his head.

“She said, ‘Tell me about Harry, the proper story this time.’”

“Oh no, she must be on to us.” Harry laughed wryly as she lightly smacked his chest. “What did you tell her.”

“Well I don’t know if you know Harry but our past isn’t really easy to explain.”

“Hmm really? I had no idea.”

“I told her about us and how we work together. How we’ve been on and off for many years.”

“That’s an understatement.”

Ruth rolled her eyes. “I know! But we need to break her in gently. Am I supposed to just spit out that I risked my life for your career and had to go into hiding and then had an entire other family before being forced to come back here and promptly fell back into your bed while my long lost daughter shows up out of the blue?”

“Well it’s a start.”

“I just told her the basics. She’ll learn in time. She knows you’re my boss. She thought that was rather amusing.”

Harry laughed. “Like mother, like daughter.”

“How so?”

“The need for information. A chip off the old block.”

“I suppose so.” Ruth replied feeling and newfound sense of pride. 

Ruth was just about to drift off to sleep when she heard Harry whisper her name.

“Hmm?”

“I don’t want you to think I see you any different but I’ve been thinking…”

She felt her heart sink with anxiety. “What is it?”

“Ever since you told me about Emily, about what happened to you...I just wanted to let you know… if I ever do anything that hurts you or makes you uncomfortable…you let me know ok?”

She lifted her head up and cupped his face with her palms and looked him in the eyes. “Harry, you could never hurt me. It’s different with you. You’re amazing and gentle and caring. I love you, ok?” She felt tears of gratitude form in her eyes as he nodes and leaned in to kiss her. They fell asleep in each other’s arms that night.


	10. Chapter 10

Being the summer holidays, Emily had found herself getting a bit bored around the house while Ruth and Harry were at work. She had found that she had exhausted her books, was bored with anything on the telly and so decided to look around the house. Her initial intention wasn’t to be nosy but the new mysterious people she was living with seemed like pretty closed books and she was determined to open them. She found some papers, old photo albums, mementos, all of which she could only imagine stories of. In the nightstand next to Ruth’s side of the bed were a few knickknacks, a lighter, a candle, some incense, and some jewelry. Chunky rings and necklaces that she had never seen the woman wear. _Maybe she wore these when she was younger._ At the bottom of the drawer was a photo of a smiling young boy. She turned it over and on the back it read Nico, aged 8. The photo didn’t seem to belong in the drawer. It wasn’t with the photo albums of various family members, it wasn’t in a frame, just tucked away buried under an array of Ruth’s belongings. 

Emily had begun to notice traits of herself in Ruth. They both had a constant need of information, they both held their mugs the same way, they both had trouble looking people in the eyes. _Thanks for that one Ruth._ She debated asking Ruth who the boy was, or anything about her family. _Their_ family. Her initial thought was that Ruth would understand her inquiries but her anxious tendencies began to set in as the day went by.

When they found themselves eating dinner late that night when Harry finally left the grid, she decided she would gain the courage and ask. 

“Who’s Nico?” She asked before she slurped a forkful of spaghetti.

Harry almost choked on his pasta as his eyes darted to Ruth.

Ruth looked up stoically, trying to hide her initial shock. _Clever girl._ She managed a smile not wanting to make Emily feel like she can’t ask questions.

“Nico.” Ruth said, the word barely drifting off her lips. “Well that’s a long story isn’t it?” She said looking at Harry. “Where to begin?”

“Shall we take this into the living room?” Harry said standing up, surveying their almost empty plates.

Emily had already begun to regret asking as she sensed the seriousness fall over them. She sat on the sofa and covered herself with a blanket. Ruth contemplated the chair across from the sofa but settled on the spot next to Emily instead. 

Harry knew this would be hard for Ruth. She barely liked to tell anyone what she had for dinner let alone their relationship or their past. He was the one to start which surprised her.

“Well it was all my fault really.”

Ruth opened her mouth to protest but was met with a warning look from Harry. 

Harry began the story while they listened as if he was telling a ghost story. When he got to the part where he and Ruth were standing at the docks keeping silent about something wonderful that was never said, he paused knowing this was where it was Ruth’s turn to pick up the story.

The whole thing seemed extremely domestic. Any outsider would look at this tableau and assume it was a concrete family spending the evening together telling old stories. But it wasn’t that. They were broken, a mixture of people thrown together by no control of their own, watching their worlds crumble beside them, trying to survive one day at a time. 

There were tears in Ruth’s eyes as she watched him tell the tale that should have ended in a love story but instead ended in death, destruction, and separation. She gathered the courage to continue the story holding onto hope that the truth wouldn’t change how Emily saw her.

“So George was my husband and Nico is- was my stepson. Unofficially I suppose.” 

They slightly glossed over the gory details that had unfolded when she returned to England but what they had found over the years was that the excuse of being a spy can explain away almost anything. George was dead, Harry was alive, Nico was sent home, Ruth was back in England feeling like she was floundering more than ever before. And that was that.

They couldn’t exactly read Emily’s expression but Ruth assumed it was one of acceptance rather than disbelief. She nodded and responded with a small wow.

“You were dead.”

“For all intents and purposes yes.” Ruth smiled trying to bring light to the situation.

“What did your family say when you came back?”

Ruth shot Harry another knowing glance. The telepathy that they shared seemed to grow stronger every day.

“Well to be honest there isn’t much family to begin with. Just my mother and I’m not sure she minded one way or another.” Ruth replied just stating the fact, not meaning to sound like she wanted sympathy.

“What did she say when you came back?” At this time, Harry sensed that Ruth was growing more and more uncomfortable so he got up from the chair and made his way to the kitchen to make some tea for the three of them. _How very English, sweet tea._ Ruth’s words rang in his ears from a time that seemed like ages ago.

Ruth continued. “I gave her a phone call when I got back. She said we should get together to discuss things but we never did. It’s probably for the best...we’re not very big fans of each other.

“Why is that?”

“After my father died we found that we had less and less in common. He was almost my best friend. We were very close and my mother and I we- well we’re just complete opposites that’s all. And then I got pregnant and that didn’t help much. She blamed me for what happened and I figured it was better to just separate myself from her.”

Emily was quiet for a moment and Ruth wasn’t sure what was running through her head. Then it occurred to her.

“If you’re thinking that it’s your fault that I don’t get along with my mom, that’s not the case. She’s always been a hard woman and our bridges were burned way before you came along. And now I’ve come to realize that I was incredibly lucky to have you pop into my life, no matter how long it took for us to get to know each other. I’m happy you’re here.”

Emily smiled and moved closer to Ruth on the couch as Harry watched from the doorway. Ruth wrapped her arm around her as she leaned into her side, resting her head on Ruth’s chest. “I’m happy I’m here too. You guys are the coolest.”

Ruth tried not to chuckle but her smile was reaching from ear to ear.

“What do you say we get some sleep. I have the day off tomorrow. Maybe we can go out and do something.”

“I’d love that.” Emily smiled as she released herself from Ruth’s embrace. They carried their tea up the stairs quietly as Harry followed.

“We’re the coolest.” Ruth said to Harry as she climbed into bed.

Harry laughed. “I knew that all along, didn’t you?”

“Well, I always thought you were pretty cool. The day I met you actually. When I stumbled onto the grid and you were the only one who didn’t look at me like a deer in the headlights.”

“That’s the day I realized you were ‘pretty cool’ too.” He laughed as he reached out his arms to let her fall into him. “She took that pretty well I’d say, don’t you think?” He said as she settled next to him and buried her head in the pillow.

“Well as well as any teenager who just found out her mom was charged with conspiracy and murder and who had to fake her death and then when she came back she was taken hostage and her husband was murdered. Just another normal day in the life right?” 

“She’s special.”

“I know, probably the best thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” She paused. “I think I thought that when she was born too but I didn’t let myself let it sink in.”

“You’ve done something I’m not sure I would have ever had the courage to do, Ruth. I mean it.”

“Thank you for helping with her." She whispered.

She rolled over onto her side and he wrapped his arms around her as they soon fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this one was a bit angsty but it wouldn't be a story of mine if it didn't have angst- I thrive off of it. Maybe that makes me crazy who knows. Thank you so much to everyone who's read this! Hope you're still enjoying!


	11. Chapter 11

As the days went by Lucas was feeling more and more pressure from Vaughn and the Chinese. Maya was being used as a pawn and for the first time Lucas understood what Harry must have felt the day Mani took Ruth hostage- more so than he would like to admit. The thing about being a spook is that you are expected to give up almost all personal relationships and if you don’t, things like this happen. But in the end, the unlucky ones choose intimacy over solitude. Lucas thought of Ros, one of the only Spooks he had ever met who was able to completely and totally rid herself of ties and anchors to the outside world. Ros fought for herself and her colleagues but the motives went no further past what one could see from the surface. It was times like these where Lucas found himself jealous. If anything happened to Maya, he wouldn’t forgive himself and he understood the irony of going after Ruth to get to Harry. But the thing was, Harry had made the same mistake as he did in letting Ruth become more than a colleague no matter how much he fought it.

And so, Lucas found himself more and more desperate to get some leverage. He needed Albany but there was only one thing Harry would give it up for- and that was Ruth. So he resulted to asking the analyst from another section, who didn’t really seem to care about his career, to do some deep digging into Ruth’s life. 

When the analyst, a young man whom Lucas thought was young enough to be in diapers came to him with some information, Lucas pulled him into a private corridor and silently took the file that he slipped to him. Knowing that there were cameras everywhere, he tried to make the “drop” as inconspicuous as possible. 

He took the file home that night and read it. It was a different personnel file for Ruth Evershed- one from GCHQ. When he opened the file there was a small black and white photo of her clipped to the corner. Lucas paused for a moment to laugh at the dorky young girl who barely looked like she had graduated high school let alone Oxford. The analyst told him that it was Ruth’s first file, the file that was compiled when she applied and was going through the application process. The man had told Lucas that there was something that would be of some interest to him, so he sat back on his sofa and turned the page.

“Ruth Evershed 

26 years old 

DOB 29-4-1970

Hometown- Exeter

Education- Oxford

Father- James Evershed- deceased

Mother- Elizabeth Evershed- living

Step-father- Daniel Haigh- living

Step-brother- Peter Haigh- deceased

Daughter- Emily Lawrence born 16-12-1993- living- adopted

Languages- English, French, Spanish, Arabic, Persian, Ancient Greek, Latin

Lucas eyes glossed over the mundane, nothing that he hadn’t seen before in her MI5 file. This time however there was something he hadn’t seen before. His eyes paused and went back up to the line that caught his attention. “Daughter- Emily Lawrence- living- adopted.”

_ Ruth, you brilliant, sneaky woman.  _ She must have changed her file some time during her career at GCHQ.  _ But why?  _ He assumed it was as simple as trying to make herself look less vulnerable. They all do it. They all put on fronts in order for their colleagues to see them as robots- it comes with the territory of choosing solitary over intimacy- make yourself seem as unattached as you possibly can and they won’t hurt you.

It didn’t take long for Lucas to put two and two together to realize that the girl he saw with Ruth in Harry’s house was Emily. After doing a bit more digging he was able to find out what happened to Emily’s adopted parents and figured that in the meantime, Ruth had taken her in.  _ Never thought I’d see Harry Pearce playing happy families. _

Lucas laughed to himself on his sofa at the reality of it all. It seemed too easy- a long lost daughter that Ruth was just not getting reacquainted with- an easy target. He began to plan his next steps with Vaughn.  _ Don’t worry Maya.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick update on Lucas since I seem to have gotten distracted with the domesticity which I love so much. XD


	12. Chapter 12

Harry rarely had a day off- once every few months rare and when he did, if Ruth had the day off too, she knew the drill. Let him sleep in, fix him something for breakfast, and spend the day on the couch reading, watching something, talking. This was the first time the three of them would all be home together and Ruth was a bit nervous- nervous about having enough to take about, worried about entertaining Emily, anything she could find to be anxious about, she did. 

Ruth was still in bed with Harry when she heard a light knock on their bedroom door. She had been awake for an hour or so just letting her mind race as it usually does. She got out of bed carefully not to wake Harry and tiptoed to open the door. She wrapped her robe around herself and slipped out into the hallway as she saw Emily standing there nervously. 

“Sorry, I- I didn’t want to wake you.”

“What is it?”

“I- we-“

Ruth waited and let her get her words out like she so often wished people would do for her.

“We’re out of tampons and-“

“Oh!” Ruth said as she looked up at the ceiling in relief. “I’m so sorry! I meant to pick some more up the other day! Let’s run out to the store shall we? Harry won’t even be awake by the time we’re back I guarantee it.” She added in case Emily was worried about further embarrassment.

Ruth grabbed her coat and followed Emily out to the car. At first there was silence which had been the norm in Emily’s presence recently. Ruth wished nothing more than to be able to get her to talk more but she also didn’t want to push.

“I’ve been reading a lot of poetry lately.” Emily said, breaking Ruth out of her thoughts. It immediately brought her back to her days on the “grand tour” as her and Harry call it. When she was jumping from country to country, she had picked up a few poetry books because it was the only thing she could focus on. The poems were short and she could read snippets of them whenever she could. She could put the book down and never pick it up if she needed to. When she moved in with George he thought she was a poet from all her books. This random comment from Emily which she assumed was to fill their lingering awkward silence struck Ruth’s heart. 

“I love poetry. We’re a lot alike you know…”

Ruth saw Emily smile from the corner of her eye. “I know. I seem to make more sense now somehow.”

“What do you mean?”

“My missing pieces fit together now that I see you and who you are, what you’re like.” There was a pause. “I like it.”

Ruth reached across the front seat and put her hand on Emily’s and squeezed.

“Thanks for bringing me to the store.”

“No thanks needed, hun.”

When they got back to the house, Harry was awake much to Ruth's surprise. Emily took the bag in the house and headed up the stairs while Ruth went to greet Harry in the kitchen. She walked into his arms and kissed him. “What were you two up to?”

“Had to go to the store to get something.”

Harry nodded, understanding. 

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“Thought I’d make my girls some breakfast.” He smiled but she sensed solemnity in his features as he looked down at the kitchen tile.

“What’s wrong?” Ruth said trying to ignore the way that comment made her heart jump for joy.

“I have to go to work.”

Ruth’s heart sank as she felt her disappointment set in. She was looking forward to this day together. She was going to let herself for once pretend that they were a happy family. That their coexistence hadn’t been built on death and destruction. 

“Why?” She said curling into him as he wrapped his arms around her. 

“Lucas.”

Ruth’s head immediately popped up in question.

“Something’s going on with Lucas. I need to handle it.”

“What-“

“Don’t say I told you so.”

“I- I don’t know what to say. What is going on?”

“I can’t tell you yet. I’ll let you know as soon as I can though.”

“Be safe.” She said trying not to sound annoyed at him.  _ I told you so.  _ She thought. 

He left shortly after without eating breakfast with them and Ruth felt a little piece of her heart break.  _ Nothing lasts.  _

Ruth called up the stairs to Emily to let her know that food was ready.

“Where’s Harry?” She asked.

“He had to go to work. But you and I can have some fun today what do you think?”

“Sounds good.” Emily said but Ruth could have sworn she saw that same look of disappointment she gave Harry just a few minutes earlier.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t intend to make this fic so domestic but my deprived heart can’t help it. Just a little update before i dig into more Lucas stuff. Stopping here because I need to go back and watch a few episodes in order to tie my story into the end of series 9. Thanks so much for reading! Love you guys!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the purposes of the story, I am mixing canon and non canon so I will be skipping the Keith Deary part but still taking pieces from S09E07. I hope this isn’t annoying or confusing!

As Harry was driving to the grid, Ruth’s words ran through his mind.  _ Harry, he can’t be trusted. His debrief reports don’t match with GPS signals. Encrypted numbers...He’s in trouble. _

When he got the call from Malcolm that morning, it wasn’t the biggest surprise. They keep in touch through burner phones, the occasional drop to let the other know they’re doing alright. But the seriousness of Malcolm’s tone set Harry’s teeth on edge. When he gave the code name for Lucas and told him there was a problem, the pieces began to fit together.  _ He’s in trouble. _

Harry cringed thinking back on the harsh tone he gave Ruth that day.  _ I’ll take it from here.  _ He shut her out when really he knew he’d be nowhere without her. 

Malcolm was in Harry’s office when he arrived and for a split second, peace came over him as he saw his old friend, someone that had yet to betray him. Someone he could trust. 

Malcolm told him about Lucas stopping by his house, about his interest in the Albany file. 

“He gave me a story about you being in trouble and it didn’t ring true.” Malcolm said.

Harry’s mind was racing. It wasn’t long before Lucas picked up the phone and called him. 

“Lucas. Where are you? You were supposed to stay in contact.”

“Let’s not pretend, Harry.”

“I’ll get you a deal, whatever it takes.”

“I’m sorry, Harry. I really am. I have to do what I have to do. You know where Albany is. And since it doesn’t seem like we are going to come to an agreement on how to proceed, I might need to pay a little visit to your happy family.”

“Don’t do this, Lucas. Please.”

“Lucas North is dead.

Ruth and Emily spent their day at home after running a few errands at the stores. When they came home, they plopped the bags of groceries on the floor and fell onto the sofa with their jackets still on. 

“Why is it so bloody cold in August?” Ruth laughed, out of breath.

“You’re asking the wrong person.” Emily replied.

They sat there for a moment, warming up before they started to take off their layers. Scarlet and Fidget came up and sat next to Emily and she smiled.

“Who knew that was going to be so tiring?” Ruth asked, laughing as she observed what disheveled misfits they looked like. 

Emily giggled. “Well maybe we wouldn’t be so tired if we didn’t have to carry all of these bags on the tube and up the steps looking like pack mules.”

“When Harry gets back he’s putting them away.” Ruth laughs. “Tea?” She asked as she got up from the sofa. 

“I was thinking,” Emily said as she followed Ruth into the kitchen.

“Hm?”

“I know we briefly discussed what school I’m going to be starting at in the fall…” Ruth sensed nervousness and let her finish in her own time. “I was just wondering if we could go visit it first- you know, get my bearings and all that.”

“Are you nervous? Because you don’t have to be. When my mom married David, we moved a few towns down and I had to switch schools. I didn’t mind it actually. It gave me a chance to start over.”

“That’s true. I- I wouldn’t say I’m nervous. I just like to know what I need to expect. I want to plan ahead.”

Ruth grinned. “I completely understand. Maybe we can stop by sometime soon when I have another day off and we can ask them to give us a tour. How about that?”

“That sounds perfect.” She took a couple of sips of her tea. “Was Harry alright this morning? I thought he had the day off.”

There were times where Ruth wished they could have a normal mother - teenage daughter relationship where she tells her all about her day at work and in turn she hears all about the problems boys are giving her at school. But the truth was quite the opposite. She couldn’t tell Emily anything really, nowhere near what she’d like to. When it was just Harry in her life, she didn’t feel like a liar, like she was sneaking around everywhere. But now, with someone like Emily around, she felt the constant need to scream from the rooftops everything she knew. She would say anything if it would help Emily get closer to her.

“Yes, he’s fine. He just got called in to work today. The usual...unfortunately. I’m sorry he couldn’t spend the day with us. We could have used some help on the tube.”

“It’s fine. I was just wondering. Spy stuff waits for no one I suppose.”

“Right.” Ruth replied, thinking to herself that Emily sounded more and more like a grown up every day.

Ruth’s phone rang and broke their idle silence. “Oh, that’s him now. Speak of the devil.” She smirked as she glanced up at Emily and caught her eye. 

“Harry you should have seen us with-”

“Ruth.” He interrupted with a serious tone. 

“What? What is it.” She said, standing up from the kitchen table and making her way to the living room hoping that Emily wouldn’t catch on to the nervousness in her voice.

“Ruth, get out of there now. Take Emily with you. Just get as far away as you can and I’ll arrange a safe house as soon as I can.”

“Harry what-”

“Just do it now. Take your phone with you and let me know when you’re gone and I’ll explain more. I’ll do as much as I can from my end. Lucas is after you.”

“Lucas? Shit, Harry.” Ruth said, the phone between her shoulder and her ear as she rushed around the house trying to comprehend what she was throwing into a bag. 

“Stay on the phone with me.” She asked.

“What? Ruth I-”

“Just stay on the phone.” She grabbed a bag full of things she didn’t even know if they needed or not and rushed to the kitchen. She saw herself flashing back to Cyprus, grabbing the passports and her getaway bag and smuggling Nico into the car as fast as she could.  _ Why don’t we have a getaway bag now? _ “Emily!” She yelled.

“What is it?” She asked while Harry listened on the other end of the phone.

“Get your shoes on. We need to go. Hurry.”

“What? Ok.” Emily stood up from the kitchen table and ran into the living room where they had left their shoes. At the same time, all three of them heard a crash in the kitchen as Lucas made his way through the broken window. Ruth froze and lifted the phone to her ear. “Harry-” she said as Lucas knocked her unconscious, her phone landing on the ground.

“Ruth? Ruth!” Harry yelled into the abyss. 

Lucas stood above Ruth for a second,  _ I’m sorry Ruth _ he thought as made his way to the living room. 

Emily had quickly hidden in the closet when she heard the crash but it wasn’t long before he found her. 

“Get off me!” She yelled, Harry still listening on the other end of the phone unable to do anything other than dispatch Dimitri and CO19 which he had done before he called Ruth.  _ Hurry up and bloody get there.  _

“Get off me!” Emily yelled again, Ruth still unconscious.

“Shhhh.” Lucas said as she struggled against his grip. But he was stronger than her and was able to stick a needle in her arm to sedate her. It wasn’t long before he had her in the boot of his car, driving to the empty warehouse where he was planning on keeping her.

After the eeriest of silences, Harry hung up on Ruth’s phone. He immediately dialed Lucas’ phone.

“Harry.” Lucas picked up.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s been so long! Here’s a short chapter to hold you over!

“What have you done, Lucas?”

“What I had to do.”

“Look we both know this wasn’t necess-“

“Harry do you really want to waste time arguing?”

“What do you want me to do?”

“I need you to bring me Albany. Once you have it I’ll let you know how we’ll proceed.”

“How’s Emily?”

“She’ll be fine if you deliver.”

“What did you do to Ruth?”

“Oh it’s nothing but a scratch. She’ll be fine when she wakes up.”

Harry was silent for a moment contemplating what to do.  _ Albany doesn’t work. It never did. Lucas doesn’t know that _ .  _ I can give it to him and get Emily back. _

“Call me again in twenty minutes. I’ll get you Abany.”

“You better hurry up, Harry. Emily is sedated now and I’ll be putting her on an anesthetic drip. She’ll overdose in three hours. This is up to you.”

When Lucas hung up the phone, Harry only had time to put his head in his hands for a few seconds before it rang again.

“Harry Pearce.” He answered in his usual strong voice except this time a bit more shaken.

He heard a sniffle on the other end. “Harry.”

“Ruth. Are you hurt?”

Ruth found herself only able to speak one word at a time, her mind seemingly racing faster than it ever had. “Emily.” He could tell she was shaking.

“Lucas has her. I’m going to bring Albany to him. I’ll get Emily back.”

Before he finished his sentence he heard commotion on the other end of the line as Dimitri and CO19 entered the house and started tending to Ruth.

“Ruth, have Dimitri take you back here to the grid.” He said knowing that she wouldn’t want to be anywhere other than where she can see everything that’s happening.

“Ok.” She mumbled trying not to let the lump in her throat turn into a sob.

When Dimitri and Ruth arrived on the grid, Harry was already briefing Beth with what he needed her to do. 

When he locked eyes with Ruth, he expected her to be a mess but she was stoic, almost moving in slow motion. Harry excused himself from Beth and made his way to his office knowing Ruth would follow.

Ruth’s stoicism shot straight through his heart. For the first time it really hit him how much he had ripped her life apart. She had tried time and time again to convince him it wasn’t his fault- that she knew what she was signing up for. But he knew better. He shouldn’t have let any of this happen to her.  _ This wouldn’t be the first time her family was ripped away from her. _

She stood in the doorway of his office looking at him for a few seconds, not knowing what to say. Then her tears started to fall as she crossed her arms across her chest. 

“Harry...I can’t...I can’t lose her again.”

“I know. You’re not going to.”

“You don’t know that.” 

“I’m going to give Lucas Albany.”

“I thought that’s what you said on the phone. You’re not. You can’t.”

“Ruth, trust me.” The eye contact Harry had been maintaining with her broke as he looked out his office window. “I-“

“I know. Go.” She stepped aside as he made his way back out to the grid to help form some sort of plan with Beth and Dimitri.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go, we're nearing the end! I actually already have the ending written because I was too excited about it. So right now, I'm working on filling in the blanks. Thank you to all who have read! Leave a review if you like!

Ruth watched as he walked out of the office. At the beginning of every mission, he always had the same air about him- the tall, brooding posture, adjusting his suit jacket, the powerful walk. She saw those same qualities manifest themselves this time as he went out to face the grid but this time she noticed something different. He paused in the doorway, hung his head and took a deep breath. 

Harry had given Beth and Dimitri the low down on the Albany file. They were to go to the church and retrieve it. Ruth knew that Harry was probably planning on doing most of it himself, knowing that he wouldn’t want to put them in danger so before they left the grid, she reached out and gently grabbed his arm, willing him to turn around. 

“I’m coming.” was all she needed to say.

“No you’re not. I’m not losing-” He stopped for a moment to regulate his breathing and for a second Ruth thought he might cry. “I’m not losing both of you.”

“That’s not your decision to make.” She said looking deep into his eyes and they both knew that that was the end of the conversation.

When they arrived at the church, they had lifted Albany from underneath the grate and Harry had made up an excuse to distract Beth and Dimitri with, not wanting to incriminate them. This step in the process worried Ruth. Deep down, Ruth knew that he was not about to hand over a catastrophic genetic weapon over to the Chinese but right now, it was beginning to look that way.  _ Ruth, trust me. _ He had said. Over the years, there were times she did and times she didn’t, times her analyst brain saw things differently than his authoritative and headstrong one. But there was one thing that she could trust and that was his love for her and Emily. Sometimes, when she allowed herself to think too much about it, it seemed too unreal. After all they had been through together, she showed back up in England after losing her husband, this time a teenage daughter in tow and he had not once hesitated to do everything he could for her...them.

As they walked out of the church, Ruth stopped. 

“Harry, I need to know you aren’t really about to give Lucas Albany.”

“Ruth, if I tell you, you’re incriminated too. Please, just let me do this.”

“We’re not worth more than the others.” Ruth said, tears falling in a steady stream now. “If this is our turn, let it be our turn. If we can find a way to get Emily out of there, I’ll take her place.” 

“Ruth-”

“It’s a numbers game, remember, Harry?” she interrupted, voice shaking. 

He put both of his hands on her shoulders to steady her. “It is not your turn. I’m going to get Emily out of there and you won’t have to take her place.” He paused, looking into her eyes to make sure she understood. “Ok?”

“Ok.” She nodded, holding back her sobs and in that moment he kissed her. He wasn’t sure if it was a goodbye kiss, an I love you kiss, or a don’t worry about me kiss- maybe it was all three. 

“I have to go. Please let me go, Ruth.”

“Don’t do anything stupid.”

“I won’t. I’ve got a car coming to take you back to the grid. Trust me.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the purposes of this story, I decided to cut out Maya's character because truthfully I don't have the mental power to work that into Lucas' motive right now. I'm on a roll and am really excited for this to be finished so I hope it's ok without it!

When Ruth arrived back on the grid, she tried to avoid the eye contact of the other spooks that seemed to be burning through her like a flame. She made her way to Harry’s office and for a moment she thought of what the others might be thinking.  _ Ruth has a daughter? Where is Harry? Why is she in Harry’s office alone?  _ All she could think of was their naivete.  _ How much they have to learn.  _ She thought. 

She made her way and sat down on the small sofa in the corner of his office. This wasn’t something she was used to, sitting back and letting others do for her and in truth, she hated it. She debated calling Towers but to be honest, he had a lot to learn as well and she wasn’t ready to trust him to understand what they were going through. 

Coincidentally, the only person she could think to call was Lucas. She knew she shouldn’t interfere but she knew she needed to give one last attempt at convincing him. So, while she waited for Harry to meet Lucas, she asked Tariq to trace him and the number of the burner phone Harry was going to use to reach him.

She then retreated back to Harry’s office, sat in his seat, and dialed the phone. As it rang she thought about how weird it was, to sit in his seat. In some ways she felt unworthy but in other ways she knew no one was about to reject. Then, the ringing stopped and there was silence on the other end.

“Lucas.” She said in a whisper, unable to speak any louder out of fear.

“Ruth? What-”

“Harry’s on his way to you with Albany.”

Lucas scoffed. “Yeah, I’m sure he is. He’s just going to hand it over to me just like that.”   
“Truthfully, Lucas, I don’t know what he has planned.”

“Why are you calling me then?”

“Lucas, what do you think you’re doing? Do you think any good will come from this?” Ruth said, surprising herself as to how calm she remained, almost as if she was talking to a child.

“You have no idea, Ruth.”

“No, you have no idea. There is so much going on here that you barely understand. Do you even know what Albany is?”

Lucas paused and that told Ruth all she needed to know.

“Oh, Lucas.” She said, trying not to let the tears fall.

“It is a genetic weapon. If you hand it over to the Chinese, thousands of people could die.”

Lucas still didn’t answer.

“Harry loves me, Lucas. He always has. You’d have a better shot at taking me hostage. I will meet you wherever you want me too. Just...just let Emily go and take me instead.”

“There isn’t time.”

“What do you mean?”

“Emily is sedated. She’ll overdose before you’d be able to find us.”

Now, it was Ruth’s turn to be silent.

“Oh, did Harry not tell you? Of course he didn’t. Well, you better hope he does the right thing. I don’t want to hurt her, Ruth, believe me.”

Ruth was amazed at herself, her tears well falling at a constant rate but her voice remained steady. Lucas knew her pretty well and she began to wonder if he could sense it.

“Let her go and take me. I’m begging you.” And with that last word, Ruth’s voice broke and her stoic exterior was ripped away.

“I have to go, Ruth.” Lucas said as he hung up.

Harry pulled up to the bridge and rang Lucas. He answered, silent, waiting for Harry to talk.

He then gave Harry instructions on where to put the file.

“Don’t let us down on this, Lucas”  _ Us. _

“I’ll know if this isn’t really, Harry. The Chinese gave me their encryption codes. So it better be, for Emily’s sake.”

Lucas then proceeded to enter the codes, looking up in surprise when they worked.

“This is it. Harry Pearce, giving up a state secret, committing treason for just one life.”

“Not just any life.” He responded, but what he meant to say was,  _ I told her I would never let her down again. Ruth is not losing another family member because of me. She’s been through too much.  _ “Where is she?”

“You’re playing me.”

“Can’t you see, you’ve won, you’ve beaten me. Now tell me where she is.”

“When I hand this over to the Chinese and am on my flight, I’ll tell you where she is. Until then, you best not interfere. I don’t trust you...I really don’t want to hurt her, Harry. Please don’t make me.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the purposes of this story, I decided to cut out Maya's character because truthfully I don't have the mental power to work that into Lucas' motive right now. I'm on a roll and am really excited for this to be finished so I hope it's ok without it!

When Ruth arrived back on the grid, she tried to avoid the eye contact of the other spooks that seemed to be burning through her like a flame. She made her way to Harry’s office and for a moment she thought of what the others might be thinking.  _ Ruth has a daughter? Where is Harry? Why is she in Harry’s office alone?  _ All she could think of was their naivete.  _ How much they have to learn.  _ She thought. 

She made her way and sat down on the small sofa in the corner of his office. This wasn’t something she was used to, sitting back and letting others do for her and in truth, she hated it. She debated calling Towers but to be honest, he had a lot to learn as well and she wasn’t ready to trust him to understand what they were going through. 

Coincidentally, the only person she could think to call was Lucas. She knew she shouldn’t interfere but she knew she needed to give one last attempt at convincing him. So, while she waited for Harry to meet Lucas, she asked Tariq to trace him and the number of the burner phone Harry was going to use to reach him.

She then retreated back to Harry’s office, sat in his seat, and dialed the phone. As it rang she thought about how weird it was, to sit in his seat. In some ways she felt unworthy but in other ways she knew no one was about to reject. Then, the ringing stopped and there was silence on the other end.

“Lucas.” She said in a whisper, unable to speak any louder out of fear.

“Ruth? What-”

“Harry’s on his way to you with Albany.”

Lucas scoffed. “Yeah, I’m sure he is. He’s just going to hand it over to me just like that.”   
“Truthfully, Lucas, I don’t know what he has planned.”

“Why are you calling me then?”

“Lucas, what do you think you’re doing? Do you think any good will come from this?” Ruth said, surprising herself as to how calm she remained, almost as if she was talking to a child.

“You have no idea, Ruth.”

“No, you have no idea. There is so much going on here that you barely understand. Do you even know what Albany is?”

Lucas paused and that told Ruth all she needed to know.

“Oh, Lucas.” She said, trying not to let the tears fall.

“It is a genetic weapon. If you hand it over to the Chinese, thousands of people could die.”

Lucas still didn’t answer.

“Harry loves me, Lucas. He always has. You’d have a better shot at taking me hostage. I will meet you wherever you want me too. Just...just let Emily go and take me instead.”

“There isn’t time.”

“What do you mean?”

“Emily is sedated. She’ll overdose before you’d be able to find us.”

Now, it was Ruth’s turn to be silent.

“Oh, did Harry not tell you? Of course he didn’t. Well, you better hope he does the right thing. I don’t want to hurt her, Ruth, believe me.”

Ruth was amazed at herself, her tears well falling at a constant rate but her voice remained steady. Lucas knew her pretty well and she began to wonder if he could sense it.

“Let her go and take me. I’m begging you.” And with that last word, Ruth’s voice broke and her stoic exterior was ripped away.

“I have to go, Ruth.” Lucas said as he hung up.

Harry pulled up to the bridge and rang Lucas. He answered, silent, waiting for Harry to talk.

He then gave Harry instructions on where to put the file.

“Don’t let us down on this, Lucas”  _ Us. _

“I’ll know if this isn’t really, Harry. The Chinese gave me their encryption codes. So it better be, for Emily’s sake.”

Lucas then proceeded to enter the codes, looking up in surprise when they worked.

“This is it. Harry Pearce, giving up a state secret, committing treason for just one life.”

“Not just any life.” He responded, but what he meant to say was,  _ I told her I would never let her down again. Ruth is not losing another family member because of me. She’s been through too much.  _ “Where is she?”

“You’re playing me.”

“Can’t you see, you’ve won, you’ve beaten me. Now tell me where she is.”

“When I hand this over to the Chinese and am on my flight, I’ll tell you where she is. Until then, you best not interfere. I don’t trust you...I really don’t want to hurt her, Harry. Please don’t make me.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter! I am sooo excited that this is finished. I have never written a fic this long and it really makes me appreciate writers even more now. 18k words is a lot but I can't imagine how some of you amazing people write 100k fics and I am very indebted to you for the hours of entertainment you've provided me. Enjoy reading and please review! It means a lot!! <3

Harry immediately got back into his car and headed straight to the grid. He had done all her could and it still didn’t feel like enough. They were treading on thin ice and it seemed he was just waiting for it to crack. Waiting for the moment he would have to tell Ruth that he failed, that he lost her daughter, that he ripped another person from her life. 

When he stepped through the pods, he headed straight to his office, expecting to find Ruth there, where he left her. When he saw the empty room, he tore past the other spooks’ desks and headed towards the empty meeting room in the back of the grid- one they never used unless it was to store boxes and boxes of old files. He knocked lightly first, then opened the door and turned on the light. He made his way past a few stacks of boxes and in the corner, found Ruth sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall, her eyes closed. He had found her like this a few times before. It had become her hiding place. The place she could go to when the commotion of the grid became too much and she needed time to herself to think. She was there after the EERIE exercise, after Angela’s attack, and a couple other occasions. He knew she’d be there.

As he approached her, her eyes stayed closed but he knew she knew it was him.

“Harry.” she whispered. “Tell me good news.” The tear that had been lingering in the corner of her eye fell.

“I gave him the file. He’s going to call me with her location when he’s safe and in the air.”

“Harry- you can’t just let him leave with it.”

“He doesn’t have the real file. You’ll see. No one is going to acquire that weapon, I promise.”

She fell silent. “You didn’t tell me he’s poisoned her.”

“How-”

“I spoke to him, Harry. She doesn’t have much time left.”

He put aside his questions about how she spoke to him or what transpired between them. Instead he settled with trying to comfort her. “I know. But honestly, Ruth, I don’t think he really wants to hurt her. I think he’ll let us find her soon.”

For the first time, she opened her eyes and looked at him, bloodshot. Before he could respond, his mobile rang and Ruth felt all of her breath leave her body.

“Harry Pearce.” He answered, aware of the redundancy of saying his name as he knew who would be on the other end of the line.

“Harry, you idiot. You really did it, didn’t you. Just for one girl? You’ve gone soft, you know that.”

“You’re safe now, Lucas, stop playing around and tell us where she is.” There was a beat and then Harry hung up the phone. He stood up and offered his hand to help Ruth up. She followed closely behind him as he ran towards Tariq and relayed the location information Lucas had given him.

“There.” Tariq said, pointing at the map on his computer.

“Send CO19 and the paramedics out there, we won’t be far behind.”

In tandem, Ruth and Harry raced through the pods and downstairs to his car. They drove in silence, both too afraid to say anything to mess this up.

When they reached the warehouse, Ruth was out of the car faster than Harry could unbuckle his seatbelt. They arrived at the same time as the paramedics but Ruth did not wait for them, she ran in first, on her own. She knew this wasn’t protocol. She knew she should have backup with her or at least have waited for Harry but at this point she didn’t care.  _ Let all else be damned. _

When she opened the door, she found Emily lying there, unconscious, the IV still in her arm. She flew to her side, put her hand on her cheek and gently tapped. 

“Emily. Emily, can you hear me?” She asked, no tears left to shed.

The young girl stirred. “That’s it, that’s it, I’m here. I need you to stay awake for me, can you do that?” The paramedics had gathered around her, assessing her and preparing the stretcher. Harry stood behind Ruth, watching terrified, hanging on every word, waiting for Emily to wake up.

“Mum.” The girl murmured and Ruth was slightly taken aback. It was the first time she had called her that.

Emily’s eyes began to open and Ruth slowly backed away as the paramedics closed in. 

“You’re going to be alright. We’ve got you.” And for the first time that day, Ruth exhaled fully.

Harry took a step forward and met her, wrapping his arms around her as she buried her head in his chest, letting out all the emotion she had built up. 

“She’s safe.” He said quietly. “We’ve got her.”

They followed the ambulance to the hospital where Emily was put on a drip and assessed by a constant stream of doctors. Ruth didn’t leave the side of her bed and couldn’t take her hands off of her, making sure she was really there. Eventually, Emily seemed alert enough to satisfy the doctors. They informed Ruth that the sedation hadn’t caused much damage, and that she should be able to go home and rest. And for the second time that day, Ruth exhaled and she could have sworn she heard Harry let out his breath at the same time. After filling out paperwork with their usual fake names and going through the discharge process, Emily had fallen asleep again. 

“Let’s let her rest.” Ruth said.

On the car ride home, it all felt extremely domestic- as if nothing had happened that day. Harry had told his driver to go home and he had gently carried a sleeping Emily and placed her in the backseat. Ruth followed, got in the passenger seat and for a moment, there was a peaceful silence. To anyone else, it might have looked like they were a happy family- husband, wife, sleeping daughter, who had just come home from a long day on holiday. Ruth pondered this for a moment as her hand reached over the console of the car and landed on Harry’s.  _ But we were never meant to have those things,  _ she thought.

Harry looked up and offered her a weak smile and Ruth returned one.

“What are you going to do, Harry?” She whispered. “You could lose your job.”

“Albany is fake. They’ll find that out soon enough. I’m not worried about it. The worse they could do is give me a hearing, throwing out useless accusations when Towers knows he needs me.” He paused one last second before looking back at Emily and turning the car on. “But even still, Ruth, I don’t care about my job. Bugger it. I’ve lost so many people over the years and I wasn’t about to lose you two. If they fire me, so be it.”

Ruth looked down at her lap and smiled slightly. “It might not be all bad, you know....If we give normal life a shot. I wasn’t too good at it the first time but...but you and Emily weren’t with me.”

Harry’s silent nod was as much assurance as she needed. They were going to be alright.

When they got home, silence filled Harry’s house. Not a resentful silence, not an angry or frightened one. It was a mutually agreed upon silence between the three of them- as if they were too afraid to upset the atmosphere- afraid to touch anything for fear of upsetting the first few seconds of peace they’ve had all day. Ruth made her way to the kitchen after taking off her jacket. Harry and Emily followed and sat at the table while she made tea. While Ruth’s back was turned, Harry reached out to place his hand on top of Emily’s- his silent gesture towards her trying to let her know he was glad she was safe. He never really was good with kids but Emily was different. He assumed it was because she was so much like Ruth and Ruth was the one person he didn’t struggle to fit into his life. For that, he was grateful. Emily looked up from their hands and smiled. She mouthed the words “Thank you.” Harry simply nodded with an understanding smile feeling like he wasn’t worthy of any thanks- not when he blamed himself for all of this. 

Ruth turned around and set the mugs in front of them. Before she sat, she stood behind Emily, leaned down, and wrapped her arms around her- smothering her for a moment, breathing in the scent of her shampoo to remind herself that she was really safe.

After Emily had cleaned herself up and gotten into her pajamas, Ruth watched as she climbed into her bed. She stood in the doorway for a second before walking towards the bed. She climbed in with her and rested her back against the headboard, cradling Emily’s head and running her fingers through her dark brown hair until she fell asleep.

When she was sure she had dozed off, she got up and made her way to her and Harry’s bed, climbed in and wrapped herself around him like an ivy vine on the house she envisioned for them someday.

“Do you remember me, when I first came onto the grid?” Harry’s ears perked up as these were the first words spoken since they got home.

“Of course I do, I fell immediately in love with that quirky new analyst.”

“That girl...she’s… not really here anymore. And I loved that girl. The nervous, long skirt wearing, crystal wielding, shark tooth necklace, big ring wearing geek who smiled all the time and watched The Red Shoes on repeat. Happy go lucky. I miss her.”

“She’s still in there.”

“She’s darker. More broken.”

Harry paused for a moment trying to block out his guilty thoughts.  _ I know, I broke her. _

“You don’t see this but every time I wake up and see your face, I see the Ruth I’ve been in love with for nine years. Even that silly little thing who broke her lamp on her first day.”

“I’m afraid the same thing is going to happen to Emily.”

“We won’t let it. We’ve learned so much over these years, Ruth. We know what’s important. Five years ago, I would have never considered giving Albany to Lucas, real or fake. I’ve never had anything in my life that was more important than my job until now. Now, I can’t imagine my life any other way.”

“But we’re still only human, Harry. I feel like her safety and innocence are balanced on a razor’s edge. When I met her, I didn’t expect her to be the most marvelous thing I’ve ever seen in my life...I don’t know what I expected, really. And all I’ve learned is that it’s been sixteen years and I’m still a fucking coward. It’s my job to worry about her and I’m not sure I have the strength.”

“You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met, Ruth.”

“But if I can’t do it, who will?”

“Me.”

With this, he felt Ruth’s body relax. Letting off at least some of the tension that had been building in her chest and shoulders over the weeks, months, years. A thin strand of hair covered her eye and this image makes him think about how young she looks. He remembered back to an old photo he once saw in her file. Come to think of it, that photo of Ruth is almost exactly what Emily looks like now save the short haircut.  _ You’re a lucky man, Harry Pearce. _ He thought as he watched her drift off to sleep.


End file.
